We're a month away from our due date and still nowhere near prepared for having a baby. Our bassinet is still in the garage, our car seat is still wrapped, and we still have no baby name, diapers, or clothes. This summer has been really busy, but I still find it curious that we are not at all prepared. It really goes against my nature to not prepare for things. If anything, I am overly prepared! As I was thinking the other day why we haven't done any of those things, what came to mind was, well you never know. It was such a strange thought. I think after losing Benjamin, I'm a lot more cautious about things. Quite frankly, I'm a little scared. There were so many things that I thought could go wrong with Benjamin, but losing him was never one of them. The thought of picking a baby name just scares me. It scares me to make plans, and have dreams for this baby like we did with Ben.
I don't know what the answer is. I know God is in control. I know that there are a lot of things that I can never change, but I can't help but feel scared. I'm not even sure that scared is the right word. I still feel heartbreak for Benjamin, the same way as I did when he first died. I don't think that's something that will ever go away. A part of me just feels like I could never handle going through something like that again, and the possibility scares me. I know that rationally I shouldn't be afraid of something that isn't happening, and that I can't know will happen. I just can't live that way. We're just taking it one day at a time. There are good days and bad days, but every day we are reminded that God is in control. There is nothing outside of His power and He loves us. Even through the struggle, there is no better place to be. We are excited and nervous, but always hopeful. Continue to pray for us! 35 weeks!
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