Pregnancy after loss

We're a month away from our due date and still nowhere near prepared for having a baby. Our bassinet is still in the garage, our car seat is still wrapped, and we still have no baby name, diapers, or clothes. This summer has been really busy, but I still find it curious that we are not at all prepared. It really goes against my nature to not prepare for things. If anything, I am overly prepared! As I was thinking the other day why we haven't done any of those things, what came to mind was, well you never know. It was  such a strange thought. I think after losing Benjamin, I'm a lot more cautious about things. Quite frankly, I'm a little scared. There were so many things that I thought could go wrong with Benjamin, but losing him was never one of them. The thought of picking a baby name just scares me. It scares me to make plans, and have dreams for this baby like we did with Ben.

 I don't know what the answer is. I know God is in control. I know that there are a lot of things that I can never change, but I can't help but feel scared. I'm not even sure that scared is the right word. I still feel heartbreak for Benjamin, the same way as I did when he first died. I don't think that's something that will ever go away. A part of me just feels like I could never handle going through something like that again, and the possibility scares me.  I know that rationally I shouldn't be afraid of something that isn't happening, and that I can't know will happen. I just can't live that way. We're just taking it one day at a time. There are good days and bad days, but every day we are reminded that God is in control. There is nothing outside of His power and He loves us. Even through the struggle, there is no better place to be. We are excited and nervous, but always hopeful. Continue to pray for us! 35 weeks!

A NY Beach

We visited the beach yesterday, or what NY calls a beach! My california-girl-snobby-self wants to say that was not a beach. But it actually wasn't all that bad. I liked that it wasn't salt water, that there were trees, which means shade!! Also, there was a playground which was fun for Jed :) It's been rough few days so it was nice getting out and just relaxing. There was absolutely no one there which was the cherry on top. The only thing that would have made this day better is a stop by the fruit stand (cough, cough). 

 We might have had more fun than Jed on the swings. RJ was so excited that they were long chains.

 These two will go in any water, anywhere, no matter the weather. AND throw rocks for hours :)

                         ^^^We found a fish and it was just the best thing ever for Jed.^^^

 ^^^Not sure if you can make out the tiny tadpoles. Ummm, yeah. Thats why I wouldn't put anything but my feet in.

 The tiniest, cutest, shells.

 This guy! He has been driving me crazy with the amount of energy he seems to have, and never run out of. Also the amount of whining and tantrums (good grief)! I chant to myself to stay strong and that it will get better if I don't give in. So stay strong mommas, you're not alone. We're all crying in a corner together. So this day at the beach was a nice break. Also, just love having RJ with me to fight the good fight.